The gemara in Brachos (20b) tells us about a strange conversation
that took place between HKBH and the Malachei HaShareis, the Ministering Angels
in Heaven.
תלמוד בבלי מסכת ברכות דף כ עמוד ב
אמרו מלאכי השרת לפני הקדוש ברוך הוא: רבונו של עולם, כתוב בתורתך
האשר לא ישא פנים ולא יקח שחד, והלא אתה נושא פנים לישראל, דכתיב…
The Ministering Angels attack Hashem with a pasuk, a verse, in this
week’s parsha:
G-d, it says in your Torah: that You are a G-d who “does not show
favoritism, and does not take bribes.”
But is that really true? After
all, when it comes to the Birkas Kohanim the bracha that You command the
Kohanim to give the Jewish People, the final bracha is:
…וישא
ה’ פניו אליך וישם לך שלום
Hashem will SHOW FAVOR to you and bless you with peace!?
So, which one is it, G-d?!
Do you show favoritism or not!?
אמר להם: וכי לא אשא פנים לישראל?
Hashem responds: You’re right!
I do show favoritism to the Jewish People. But how could I not!?
שכתבתי להם בתורה: ואכלת ושבעת וברכת את ה’ אלהיך,
After all, I wrote in my Torah – IN THIS WEEK’S PARSHA AS WELL –
You should eat, and you should be satiated, and you should bless Hashem your
Gd.
This is the halacha known as Birkas HaMazon. And the language of that pasuk is very
specific. Because the halacha is that
Min HaTorah, as a matter of Torah Law, one is only required to bench if one is
satiated, which is defined in halacha as having eaten a K’beitza, a large
amount of bread.
והם מדקדקים [על] עצמם עד כזית ועד כביצה.
Nevertheless, says Hashem, even though I only require Bnei Yisrael
to bench when they eat a K’Beitza, when they feel full, they have taken upon
themselves a chumra, that they will bench even if they only ate a k’zayis, a
much smaller amount!”
The Gemara is referencing a din dirabanan, a rabbinic law found in
the gemara that chazal added an extra chumra to always bench, even if you
didn’t eat a full k’beitza, just a k’zayis.
Hashem’s answer is a strange one:
1)
Am Yisrael did a nice thing by adding this chumra. But why is this stringency SO VALUABLE to
Hashem that He will now show us FAVORITISM because of it? What is this gemara trying to teach us?
2)
Even if this is a nice thing Bnei Yisrael have done, Hashem is
still LO YISA PANIM! Hashem said He
doesn’t show favoritism!? And this is
STILL NOT FAIR!?
I saw a very thoughtful answer to this question from Rabbi Asaf
Bednarsh, Rosh Yeshiva at Yeshiva University’s Gruss Kollel in Israel.
The gemara is clearly pointing to the fact that this is not really
a conversation ONLY about Birkas HaMazon.
The gemara is using Birkas HaMazon as model for how we, as Jews, relate
to HKBH in our lives.
What does it mean, “V’achalta V’savata U’beirachta”? You should eat, be satiated, and make a
bracha? This is not only a philosophy for
how to conduct oneself at a meal. It’s a philosophy for life.
Sometimes in life we are v’savata, we feel full, we feel that
Hashem as given us everything we need.
We are satisfied. And, hopefully,
in those moments we turn towards HKBH “U’BEIRACHTA” we offer a thank you.
However, says Hashem to the Malachim, Am Yisrael is different. Yes, they thank Me when they have what they
need, but even when they only get a K’zayis, even when they feel they don’t
have everything they would like from Me, even when they feel only partially satiated…U’Beirachta,
they still thank Me for that they DO have!
And if this is what the Birkas HaMazon is really supposed to
represent, our willingness to recognize the good in our life, even if the glass
is only half full, we now understand Hashem’s response to the
Malachim.
Says Hashem to the Malachim:
“You know, I have big expectations for Am Yisrael. I have offered them 613 Mitzvos, and I expect
them to take care of them. But, of
course, at times they don’t give me everything I ask of them.
At times, they fall short.
However, I have an operating principle known as Mida K’Neged Mida,
I operate with others as they operate with Me.
When I don’t give Bnei Yisrael everything they want, how do they
respond? Do they walk away from our
relationship? Of course not. They offer
me their hakaras hatov even if they only receive PART of what they are hoping
for.
If that’s how they operate with Me, I will do the same with them. So, when they don’t do
everything I ask, I won’t turn away from them.
Rather, “Yisa Hashem Panav Eleicha” I, Hashem, will continue to turn towards
them.
And if this is true, then not only do we understand why Hashem
appreciates our chumra, our stringency when it comes to benching, we understand
that His response is not even really showing favoritism. He is responding to us the way we respond
to Him.
And this idea of looking at the GOOD, looking at the KIZAYIS, NOT
at the LACK of a K’Beitza, is so critical in EVERY relationship in our lives.
The Opter Rav was known as the Oheiv Yisrael, and he was always looking for
Ahavas Yisrael in the Parsha. One year, it was Parshas
Balak, and the Chassidim asked him, Rebbe, where is Ahavas Yisrael in this week’s parsha?
He answered: Balak… is roshei teivos (and acronym) for V’Ahavta L’Reiacha Kamocha.
They responded. Rebbe, but it’s not!? Balak is בלק, NOT ו,ל,כ!!
So he answers
them: When it comes to Ahavas Yisrael don’t be such a medakdeik! When it comes to loving another Jew, don’t be so quick to judge, to
find the negative, to find what he or she DIDN’T DO. Look for what they HAVE DONE!
And if this is important with our friends, our children, and our
other meaningful relationships, it is even MORE important in our most precious
relationship, our marriage.
The bracha of marriage is that you get to experience ALL OF LIFE
with only ONE OTHER PERSON. And that
means that we will have times when we are there for each other EXACTLY as the
other person needs us to be, and there will be times when we fall short. We will make mistakes and we will even cause
hurt.
The key, then, is not to prevent all mistakes from happening
because that’s impossible. Rather, to
train ourselves, even in the moments when we feel let down, even in the moments
when we feel we didn’t get ALL WE WANTED, to appreciate ALL WE DO HAVE.
And the beauty of this approach, is that when we work on this mida,
it pays us back.
As the pasuk says in Mishlei:
כַּמַּיִם הַפָּנִים לַפָּנִים כֵּן
לֵב הָאָדָם לָאָדָם
As the Metzudas David explains these
words:
כמו דרך המים מראים
את הפנים בדומה להפנים המסתכלים בה, אם שוחקות
שוחקות ואם עצבות עצבות, כן לב האדם לאדם, אם לבו טוב על חבירו ייטיב גם לבו ואם
רעה תרע גם היא.
Just like water reflects our face back at us exactly as we look at
it, if we’re happy, the face we see is happy, if sad, sad. So, too, the hearts of people reflect back at
each other. When we look at others with a positive frame, they will do the same
to us.
When we create an atmosphere of offering each other the benefit of
the doubt, of seeking out the positive in each other, it builds and it grows,
and that positivity fills your home.